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#ABPOS The Thinner Soul, Chp. 21
Radiance- I hadn't bought a dress, yet I allowed John to assume I had. I was becoming second to none in dodging all the bullets that seemed to be coming my way. The interest in my upcoming album had exceeded my initial presumptions, and I decided to move up the release. "Death to Forty" was living up to her predictions, and now I needed Sand and Stars to live up to mine.
I hadn't broken the news to John as yet. It would put the album and the wedding in competition. Either that, or it was bound to feel like a natural born take over. I wasn't opposed to the surround sound of the moment, but I got the feeling John would be. We were meeting for dinner and to fine tune some of the wedding day details. I knew I had to get it out on the table before the radio announcements. There was also the option to push back the wedding, and I was not a hundred percent opposed. My apprehensions about moving forward were deepening with each sweet dream, and every cool and quiet morning I spent wrapped in Eaton's nearness. I thought about whether that had been the real prompt for moving up the record. It was a captivating question that I couldn't answer clearly. Whatever the truth was, the fact remained that I hadn't ruled it out immediately, and had proceeded to make all the promotional bookings. My cover shoot was set up for the next day, so I needed this dinner to go over well. I couldn't stand to have to do it again. After all, I'd imagined a lively and celebratory reemergence, and not something pensive or vacillating. I had purchased a wedding dress however for the cover shoot, and it did a lot to reconnect me with the dreamy aspect of the ideal, and had helped to disconnect me from the seriousness of what was impending.
We were arriving separately. I walked up to the place we'd chosen over the phone the night before. I thought about how comfortable our conversation had been. It was like earlier times in our relationship. We didn't seem to say things to agitate each other, and we'd spent the time passing compliments back and forth mostly. It was a good interlude we both enjoyed. I did love him. I loved what he brought to my life; the constant motion and the way he needed to understand what was up ahead. That wasn't my precise language, but it was good for me. At least that was my sentiment. The interlude ended however once I realized that I'd beaten him to the restaurant. It was an unlikely thing. I got his message, ".. be there in 20 minutes. I promise." and proceeded to be seated. I hadn't planned on it, but the word promise had hit me in a different way. It had brought me front and center with my deceit. I knew I needed to choose left or choose right, but I dangled and remained in the balance. I inevitably look around when it feels like maybe everyone is listening to my thinking, and is sizing me up by the empty seat in front of me. I glance at my phone. There was still eight minutes on the clock. I think about killing them with a trip to the ladies room, but instead I opt for the dangle.
When I look again, I can feel my body move in a way that it does when Eaton is present. I think to ignore it, but then he was ever present.
"Will you tell him?" I could hear him ask. I stayed quiet, and waived for service. After the server leaves, I look down at my phone again. Twenty minutes had elapsed. I raise my head, and I'm pleasantly surprised. He'd made it. It was somewhat of a relief, but there was still some topsy-turvy within me.
"So, what's with the promise?" I'd suddenly turned angry. It was his consistency. It was his accuracy. And more importantly, it was the clash between the word promise and my deception.
"If it's too much next time I'll save it. I just thought we'd pick up where we left off." He said as we kissed.
"What was it?" I pried.
"I just got caught up looking over some things." He quickly sized up my demeanor.
"What things? You never get caught up looking over some things John." I went with my instincts.
"Does that piss you off?"
"If it's meant to then yes. It does." I said decidedly.
"Tell me something Radiance. Can you tell me why I haven't received the bill for your dress?"
"Really? Right there? You're just going to sit that right there? What ever happened to a little small talk or "How was your day" John?
"It just feels.. I mean.. We're here to fine tune everything. So, let's just be strait because I've never lied to you about anything Radiance. And I love you." I hear the crack in his voice, and I look away; turning my head behind me. I remain still for a few moments, and collect myself.
"What if we just postpone the wedding. Maybe give it a year."
"Will that help?"
"Help with what?" I tried to understand what his assumptions were.
"With the dress Radiance. This whole thing about the dress. The fact that you're finally letting it go."
"Right." I heard my retort, felt Eaton's taken aback, and then he was gone. I wasn't sure how I'd fallen deeper into my deceit and confusion, but I had and it had happened quite swiftly. It didn't feel like it had before however. It wasn't the dangling feeling anymore. It was like I'd stepped away from the dead middle. Although, I didn't have the courage to mention the album.
A Better Pair of Shoes “The Thinner Soul”, a novel
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