#ABPOS The Thinner Soul, Chp. 16
Radiance- The first time I heard his voice, I was rattled. Internally, I mean. I was frozen inside with fear. So, I stayed quiet. I was moving and speaking and doing all the things I was suppose to on the outside, but I remained split logistically. I remained in my head, but I was able to multi-task it all. I could hear my questions, "what was that?" and "what's happening to me?" replay while I conversed, and my body made all the same rotary decisions as usual. It was a definite interruption, but I showed no disruption. I didn't pardon myself or withdraw from my dealings, nor did I mention it. It was a gentle and subtle voice, not completely solid in sound, but it could be recognized. Eventually, it became a presence and subtle character impulses that I recognized. Whenever I could feel his presence in public, I would naturally become suspicious and sort of zoom in on my surroundings, but it never seemed to have anything to do with what was going on around me.
The first time I responded, I was in the car, and one of her songs was playing. It was the nature of his comment that forced me to speak.
"Your just as good a writer now."
We talked effortlessly that day. It was the questions, "where are you?" and "how is this possible?" that kept us at bay, but our abrupt ending years before and our spirited encounters since then was enough to keep a yearning alive. It was as impressive as the dress, and although the only promise that bounded us was a twenty year old promise, the last few weeks felt very promising. I kept battling with how any of this could rival the real-life relationship and proposal I had. And then I relinquished all of a sudden; trying to understand.
It was the moment he didn't allude to or promise to be mine, but actually asked me to marry him. I knew I was technically taken, but he'd waved it off and taken the leap, and it seemingly made me waive my commitment. But this was no profession of love; like my dress was. This was something I trusted enough at long distance. I mean, I could have only hoped it wouldn't get buried with more inconsistencies. However, being engage did come with more entitlements, and I did plan on using them. I had done more than plan actually. I had returned to the things between us that kept us at bay.
"So when do I see you?"
"It's complicated."
"How complicated?" I had to know. I had to see our future clearer, and I also wanted to interpret the symbolism of the trending number eight.
"Just wait for me." At this, we had fallen under a spell of silence. I'd waited. I'd waited earnestly. I'd believed, and believed notoriously. But none of it could be used in the moment. It was a new deployment, and a different contract.
I knew what he was asking, and it apparently required parts of my youth that were not necessarily accessible to me. Still, I found my heart walking in his direction.
"So, we're finally here. Should I make an announcement?"
"Wouldn't that be unorthodox?"
"It would, but it would only be Reece and Natalie for now." I heard myself say, as I uncovered a strong and sudden wave of emotion. I could sense him jilted, and even his quiet move backward. For that, I had no words. I continued on in the kitchen. I remained slicing my tomatoes, until it was necessary to switch to dicing the onions.
We hadn't cried together, or on the account of each other since he'd began visiting me. I should have expected a different kind of tears, but these were what we were left with instead. I went through the motions, and all the emotions of not being a wide-eyed fool. It wasn't that I was unwilling, or that I didn't mean to say yes.. It was the unchanging circumstance and no clear picture of the distance together that kept me stuck in the middle, and twice engaged.
#ABPOS The Thinner Soul, Chp. 17
Reece- It wasn't unnatural, but unlikely. I knew for a fact that he could take care of himself. Long gone were the days I'd dreamt heavily about my brother. Every other birthday or so, I would get a completely unexpected bouquet of flowers sent to me at the office. Knowing Eaton it was part to say, "I'm still alive" and part to say "Happy Birthday", but he's only ever asked them to write "Love you, Eaton".
When I woke up, I couldn't fall back to sleep. I'd seen him in a prickly sort of conversation with a man I hadn't seen before. He didn't look as calm or casual as usual. He appeared worried or outsmarted somehow. I didn't remember a lot, but they were discussing someone else. The main takeaways was the word "she" and his demeanor. In the past, if it was important, the "she" was likely to be Radiance, but I wasn't close enough these days to know who. I had no clue who the "she" could be.
I gathered my robe and my glass of wine from where I'd left it on the bathroom vanity, and crept out to the balcony. I did my best to think of how to find him. My best guess was still Radiance. I didn't want to alarm her, but I also couldn't shake the feeling the dream had brought me.
I had no desire to get in the way of her comeback, but I suppose she knows I've always seen her as a next of kin. Although appearances were sparse between me and Eaton, I knew that if he'd wanted me to update that thought, he would have made a move.
I'm looking out onto the deep pitch-black of the night, and I know it's time we thicken the blood between us.
A Better Pair of Shoes “The Thinner Soul”, a novel
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